Intuitive Eating, Loving Myself, and Finally Opening Up About My Eating Disorder
I’m honestly a little nervous about putting this blog post out into the world because it’s so personal and is something that I’ve hid for so long. But at 29, I feel like I’m finally comfortable enough to tell my story. I hope that my story helps those who suffer from a mental illness feel like they’re not alone.
I recently posted on my Instagram Stories about how I’ve started to practice intuitive eating and I was surprised at how many people reached out. So many women and men messaged me opening up about their struggles with eating and truly being able to enjoy food without feeling guilty!
One of my blogger friends, @moniquegoesplaces, said something so powerful that just stuck with me: “My body has always felt like a battleground.” And I just thought wow – that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’ve been at war with my body for more than half of my life. Looking back, I have.
For the last 16 years, I’ve battled disordered eating and body dysmorphia. It started when I was 13 years old, and at 29, I feel like maybe I’m starting to finally conquer it.
It started the summer before I started high school. My family moved around a lot for my dad’s work when I was young. This time, we were moving from Brazil to Upstate New York, and I was starting a new high school. I was so nervous about making friends that I was determined to lose weight. I quite literally starved myself. I repeated the phrase, “Hunger is the key to tranquility” every time I felt hungry. I lost 30lbs. Which on my small 5-foot frame, was a lot.
For all high school, I didn’t let myself weigh over 110 lbs. At my lowest, I stepped on the scale at 93 lbs. I remember being so proud of myself while at the same time, looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. It’s easy to isolate an eating disorder and say that I was just another girl trying to be skinny to fit in. But it was so much more than that. My eating disorder was about control and anxiety.
Junior prom in 2006 at the height of my eating disorder (93lbs)
Junior prom, 2006. I was 17 years old.
Because this was high school for me:
My first real boyfriend grabbed me by the throat and choked me when I refused to go back to his house after school. He was controlling and emotionally and physically abusive.
Eventually, when I broke up with that boyfriend, he spread a rumor that I gave him an STD. We never had sex. That rumor took off because he was charming and popular, and everyone loved him. They didn’t see who was on the inside.
The high school I went to was predominantly Caucasian. I was walking by a lunch table and a group of girls started laughing and one of them called me a “dirty spic”. I’m mixed race: Chinese and Portuguese.
That same girl, called me a slut in the hallway. I turned around and punched her in the face. She tried to act tough in front of her friends and said, “Hit me again, spic.” So, I did. I got suspended for violence. She only got detention for her racism and bullying.
I was bullied and ostracized. I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere.
My eating disorder was my best friend. It was always there for me. It comforted me for years. Throughout the years, if something was stressful, if I went through a breakup, or going through change, I’d go back to the things that made me feel good: skipping meals, seeing my hip and collar bones, having size 00 jeans that were too baggy.
The years after high school, I went to therapy, took antidepressants, and did a lot of reading and personal reflection to try and combat my anxiety and control issues. I gained weight and got back to a healthy weight. But simply gaining weight didn’t mean that my mind was fixed. The other side of restrictive eating is trying to make up for lost time – and in turn, eating everything that I didn’t allow myself to eat before. I binge ate a lot. I felt intense guilt about it. My numbers on the scale surged up and down. I couldn’t eat what I wanted to eat and feel happy afterwards. I would eat pasta or bread and feel terrible about it. What kind of life is that? There were times where I missed my eating disorder — my old friend. In the prime of my eating disorder, I wouldn’t even allow myself a bite of pasta. If I didn’t eat it, I wouldn’t feel guilty about it. In my healing journey, I struggled a lot with this tug of war in my mind. The desire for peace within myself and the desire for control were at war with each other.
The other side of anorexia: binge eating. I binge ate and gained a lot of weight in college.
My wedding triggered my eating disorder past back – except in a more adult way. I discovered intermittent fasting, which has you restrict calories throughout the day. At the time, I was also counting my macros. With the combination of restrictive eating and counting my food nutrition: that was all the trigger I needed. With the stress of planning a wedding, managing friends, family – the ability to control what I ate and didn’t eat felt like my safe space. The stars aligned for my eating disorder to come surging back. I was 108lbs on my wedding day. I was happy and miserable at the same time. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. If only I could lose a little more weight. If only my arms were a little thinner. That’s the sad thing about an eating disorder versus losing the weight through exercise and healthy eating. When you have an eating disorder and you lose weight, you’re never happy. It’s never good enough. You’re never perfect. The chase for “perfection” is a black hole. It sucks you in until there’s nothing left.
Fast forward to today, I’ve started to practice intuitive eating and it’s felt better than anything I’ve ever done. It sounds cliché, but I’ve started to truly listen to my body.
Here’s what intuitive eating and intuitive living looks like for me:
I stopped shaming myself for eating the things I want If I want to eat pasta or bread, I do it. If the intense guilt starts to spark, I negotiate. I can eat the pasta or bread because it’s feeding my soul. I’m allowed to eat it because I’m active and I do some form of exercise every day. If I’m truly worried about it, I’ll eat something healthy as my next meal. Negotiating with my mind when guilt pops up has helped to the point where now I don’t feel guilty anymore.
I stopped shaming myself when I don’t feel like working out Instead of saying, “I have to work out everyday” I tell myself, “You need to move every day.” If moving means walking while talking to a friend on the phone, I do that. And it feels good. Some days my body feels like lifting weights, some days it feels like running, and other days it feels resting. I just listen and go with the flow.
If I feel tired, I take a nap. I know that this isn’t rocket science, but I think so many of us try to power through. When I’m tired, I’m more likely to feel burnt out, less creative, less motivated, and moody. I realized that when I nap, I feel good. One of the best books I’ve ever read was Arianna Huffington’s Thrive which talks about the importance of sleep!
I’m trying to do things that feel good. I’m trying to detach food from emotions to combat binge eating. A lot of people tend to over eat as an answer to stress, happiness, sadness, etc. I’m trying to eat to truly enjoy food! And it’s working!
I realize that none of these things are ground-breaking discoveries, but it’s shocking at how much we live our lives on the basis of: “I have to do this. I can’t eat this. I have to eat that.” All these have to’s and can’ts are exhausting and limiting.
Here’s the most important part: I feel like since I’ve started intuitive eating and going with the flow of what my body is craving, I’ve been happier, less anxious, and good things started happening to me. Could it be the Law of Attraction? Could it be God/the Universe telling me that this healing journey that I’m on is worth it? Whether it’s fate or coincidence, what I’m doing now feels good.
I’m not in the best physical shape of my life right now, but I’m in the best mental shape of my life. I’m 10lbs heavier than on my wedding day, but now I look in the mirror and I don’t hate what I see. I love my curves. The journey to loving myself and controlling my anxiety has been long and hard, but I feel like I’m finally starting to come out the other end of it.
Cheers to that!
I have to give a shout out to my family for all their love and support – specifically to my mom. In high school, the main cause of my mom and I’s battles were because of my eating disorder. She would force me to drink protein shakes in the morning before school, patiently buy me whatever food I wanted if it meant I would eat, and worry endlessly about me. I know my mom reads my blog, so mom this is for you: thank you for keeping me alive and loving me unconditionally.
I’m 29, healthy, and can enjoy a slice of pizza with my mom. I love you momma!
Of course, thank you for my husband! I feel like I’m starting to truly heal because I have someone who loves me more than I love myself sometimes. He’s never commented on my body or my weight and is always loving and supportive.
If you’re interested in Intuitive Eating, there are a lot of materials out there.
Here are the 10 main principles of intuitive eating:
Reject diet mentality
Honor your hunger
Make peace with food
Challenge the food police
Respect your fullness
Discover the Satisfaction Factor
Honor your feelings without using food
Respect your body
Exercise and feel the difference
Honor your health
If you’re someone who struggles with disordered eating or has a past of eating disorder, this is a great thing to try!
If you’ve made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading! This was long and tough to write. Writing it brought back a lot of memories that felt painful to revisit but I think were necessary to make peace with. I hope that if you’re someone who struggles, this blog post will inspire you to try intuitive eating or get help. There’s nothing better than being able to eat, enjoy food, and not feel guilty about it. If you want someone to talk to, my door is open! Just send me a DM on Instagram or email me at lina.forrestal@gmail.com.
ALL THE LOVE!